STYLISED DIALOGUE: The Stylised guide to putting the 'IN' in INSOMNIA.

Put as non dramatically as I possibly can from the land of the constantly awake, insomnia is the David to my Goliath, the Wile E. Coyote to my Road Runner, the Lex Luther to my Superman, the Cain to my Abel, those unbeatable pixelated turtles that would never die to my Super Mario. Or, cutting a long story short, my main arch rival. The way I see it, my eyes and brain have some sort of love-hate relationship going on, with the latter occasionally becoming the more prominent of feelings. Brain will bully Eyes (capitalising because I've anthropomorphised them and those are now their names!) to stay open by attacking them with every single anxiety inducing thought I've ever tried to suppress within its chambers.

To paint you a word picture, this is how insomnia works: You go to sleep, nice and early(ish), get semi comfortable, set an alarm, close your eyes and.... nada. You count sheep, read, watch something, turn the light off, count sheep, turn the light back on, sit up, go get some water, come back, turn the light off, try to sleep, turn the light on, make a hot drink, drink it, look at the clock, panic over the lack of hours to sleep, toss and turn, panic a little more, get up, take INSANE pictures of yourself in an attempt to not think about sleeping...

...then laugh hysterically over said picture for a good fifteen minutes until you realise there's now only three hours left until you have to BE in work, get up in a panic, cut your fringe into something that resembles a misshapen foot that sticks up on the right due to a very persistent cow's lick the existence of which you obviously forgot in your delirious state (in my defence, it was only one time, it was not a big deal and it happens to everyone), give up on getting any rest, have a paddy, cry, have a shower, get dressed, drink coffee which will make you feel both more awake and like you've just been electrocuted, and go about with your day feeling itchy, depressed and bipolar.

So, what happens if R.E.M to you is more of a band that sings about how everybody hurts sometimes and less of a biological function of the brain, and you really want to avoid your new boyfriend finding you looking like this at 5am?

(Photographic evidence of real life events.Oh YEAH, new boyfriend is a lucky man!hahahahahaha)

Without further ado, we hereby present you...

*drumroll*

The Stylised Guide to Putting the "IN" in INSOMNIA.

Given that here at St.D (get it?!) we're a pretty thoughtful bunch of people (it's just me but we'll tackle schizophrenia on a different day - future employers, I'm not schizophrenic, hire me! - me too! - and me! - don't forget about me!) we (I) decided to split the solutions in categories.

The Medical Approach. [it's a link, click on it]

(ok so the link was a bit pointless but lets move on)

This category is for the no-bullshit types. One pill, boom! No moping around, going stir crazy while you're desperately trying to overcome a jetlag that's outstayed its welcome. (call me patronising, but them no bullshit types are usually jet setters!). However, before you jump to the seemingly obvious conclusion of not reading further because this sounds pretty simple, take a moment and listen... other than the blatant Heath Ledger(aka you could die)phenomenon, a generous amount of sleeping pills could enable some highly regretable behaviour. For example, I happen to have an elderly gentleman friend who once decided, after travelling back and forth between the continents, to take a couple of jetlag squashing pills. Happy in the notion that he would soon be sound asleep, he decided to text myself and a mutual friend in order to wish us something along the lines of 'goodnight'. However, being high on said pills, he misspelled 'goodnight' into a fairly long sentence about how he would allow another mutual acquaintance to perform some rather unorthodox sexual stuff to him if she put the right price tag on the act. Thankfully, as good friends, all we did was type "hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" a carpel tunnel inducing amount of times, screenshoot the shit out of the textual exchange and bring it up in conversation on a daily basis. Unable to erase our memories, the elderly gentleman has learnt his lesson and will now only try to combat insomnia with ineffective concoctions of several 'sleepy time' teas.

The Spiritual Approach. [it's another link, click on it]

I don't really know how to deal with you lot. Pray, meditate, keep a vow of silence. Send feedback.

The Stay Fashionable Approach [surely you know the drill with all the links by now,right]

Despite earning the largest chunk of my bonsai income through fashion writing for multiple publication that have bought my claim that I know my shit, I can hereby confess that the origins of most trends are to me as foreign as a plate of live edible squid* (*or, to be less of a knob, very foreign). What I do know however is that the fashion world seemed to be feeling a bit lethargic a few seasons ago and as a result unleashed a plethora of silky sleepwear that got branded as daywear. And while fashion critics across the world praised Sophia Coppola's daring pyjama clad appearance at the Met Gala, us insomniacs witnessed the event through slanted, sleep deprived eyes and between yawns managed to breathe a sigh of relief. Finally! Falling asleep in public after days and nights of exhaustion has become fashionable.

And while Sophia (we're totally on a first name basis) opted for a slinky Mark Jacobs design, H&M got a bit of a Marni bedtime version and most fashionistas paid their dues(cash)to Zara variations of the aforementioned design, we decided to take it a step forward and combine fading trends with brand new ones. Pyjama, meet pastels and flannel. This heartbroken hedgehog adorned ensemble has got our firm seal of approval. So for future reference, fellow insomniacs, BE PREPARED. Don't miss the chance to catch those hard to come by zzz's whenever they enter your proximity.