Stylised Monologue

Thursday, 8 December 2011


So, I don't know if you've noticed but Christmas is kind of around the corner. Yep, it's shit at hiding that Christmas, everything has been fairy light adorned and alcoholic raindeer dominated for approximately a month now. way to kill the christmas spirit, by the way, retail people!!!. We all know what christmas consists of. You put up a tree, receive a lot of presents(mostly things you don't care for),give a lot of presents(mostly things they don't care for),sing christmas carols door to door in exchange for money(if you're greek/in greece and under the age of approx.13),have christmas carols sang at you by overage(13+)tone deaf people, the silence of whom you buy with money, yes everyone is happy, everyone is excited, father christmas is given a little cameo part in the film that is your life and everyone gives out wishes to everyone. Everyone is celebrating. You know this, I know this... now!! Rewind back 24 years, however, and I was an oblivious, fat foetus lodging south of my mums lungs. Admittedly, I was a little hefty for my 7 months of life, you've seen One Born Every Minute, preemies do not typically weight nearly 4kg. Anyway, I don't know what got to me. Maybe it was all the holiday cheer maybe my mum watched one too many horror films whilst pregnant, by the 24th of December, generally known as Christmas Eve, I decided I wanted out. Bad Life Desicion NUMBER ONE!!! My transition form foetus to newborn was(as described to me, not from memory)easy, breezy, beautiful (minus the beautiful, I'm not exaggerating when I say I was the uggliest newborn in existence, maybe second to those ugly monkeys that look like their mum had a little fling with a bat). So, here I was, December 24th 1987 weighing more than most full term newborns. Mum was happy, Dad was happy, Aunts and Uncles were happy and Grandmother was slightly less happy because she thought I was blind. It was just a misunderstanding, it was 8:15 in the morning and they all wanted to socialize, I mean come on, I've been in the dark for 7 months leave me alone!(is what I assume I must have thought but can't tell for sure)! When I eventually opened my eyes, all fat cheecks and curly hair, I realised that being born was pretty cool. People looked festive, they were celebrating and singing and giving me presents. I'm sure I thought that that was all pretty awesome, well, at least until I went all yellow and had to be put under weird lamps for hours. The thing is, I was a happy, self important new person. I was probably equally as happy on my first birthday. I got some present, I got some christmassy harmonies and some santa guy was meant to come over but I don't think he actually did. Well, the years passed and I started having a bit of an understanding. Wait a second... the world isn't celebrating me, they're celebrating the birth of some Jesus person. What the Hell? It sucks!

Oh... what? this is a fashion blog? Yeah? So? Christmas is very IN at the moment ... DUHH!! Fine, fine, fine, I'll get to the fashion bit of all this.

After YEARSSS of ONE present for both my birthday and christmas, sharing my special day with the rest of the world, running like a loonatic to get OTHER people presents on my birthday(ok that might just be bad time management) I decided to embrace it.

Dear Me,

It's your birthday soon. So I got you a present.
And it's the best present EVER. Because it's blue and it's velvet and it goes on your feet.
(caution, it might make you fall over and take a bald middleaged guy and his annoyed girlfriend with you but...oh well!) 


shoes : topshop