Stylised Monologue

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

The Stylised Guide to Being a Hallow(i)eener.

Growing up in Greece, Halloween seemed like a really exotic thing, people "abroad" got to do. I remember staring at this borderline 'urban legend' occasion happening on the bulky glass screen of our TV ( I would have said flat screen but who am I kidding! Holler mid-twenties, cue to self pity filled sobbing over my FIVE white hairs, but I digress). Every October, while I sat in my boring "winter clothes", children abroad would dress up as witches and skeletons so intimidating that grown ups would bribe them with "candy" to ensure their safety.
Fast forward to 2006, I may have not been a child but I was on British turf freezing my arse off and missing the shit out of those inverted commas snuggly caressing the words Winter Clothes. But I was also in a land where Halloween was real! At the time, I lived in a house of four and a half residents, three and a half out of which found my foreign excitement hilarious, but I was determined to go ALL OUT. I was going to be what I thought was a very original Corpse Bride (which of course Unbeknown to me was a really popular costume) . I bought a white dress which, a flower crown and a lot of face paint for my housemate Hayley to draw what we set out to look like a snake but ended up resembling a penis coming out of my eye. The result was, I thought, marvellous but upon descending our semi's stairs in a "walking down the deadly isle" manner, I stumbled across... a cute fairy, a SEXY witch, an ancient Egyptian woman and someone who just had brown contact lenses in... wait, what?! what's scary about any of that?! And then it dawned on me (I'm fairly sure this discovery does not pale to the penicillin but you know, that's up to your own interpretation) There are Multiple Types of Halloweeners!!!!! (enter horrified emoji here).

So, without further ado, here to help you sort out your Halloween identity crisis, we present...

click on this, it's a vital link for the smooth progression of this post..

                        THE STYLISED GUIDE TO BEING A HALLOWEENER                             


(the focal point of the outfit is the word SEXY. Cat could be replaced by witch, pumpkin and other variation which my brain is currently failing to retrieve)

Usually, said Halloweener is clad in much less than pictured above and is posing in a slightly more serious manner.

Like this

or, this

This role applies to you if: you want to be slutty without being judged upon it. Think of the 31st of each October as a free pass for you inner slut.

For this look you will need: A LOT of eyeliner, a little lipstick, and a small selection of flesh baring clothes.

(The key word here is SERIOUS. There's no tricking those serious Halloweeners)

If you take Halloween seriously, then this category is for you. Not toying around with extra inches of bosom on show and lack of artistic effort, this halloweener is set out to scare you. 


For this look you will need: A LOT of face paint (or just make up as illustrated above), a lot of time and a damn good face cleanser.

(The serious all-outers, arch enemy)

Halloween doesn't excite you the least but you've been invited to some party and your friends have been on your case about dressing up. You just grab the cheapest accessory you can find, chuck it over your normal clothes and once grilled just say, "what? Pandas are scary! I have a rare mental condition that makes me feel like bamboo, nothing is more threatening to bamboo than pandas". Done. 

For this look you will need: ANY slightly unconventional head wear/ coloured contact lenses

(I am biased towards this kind, as I identify myself with this awesome lot)

If you think of Halloween as the time to dress ridiculously and have fun behind Maoam Teeth and and a fake moustache then you are my kind of Halloweener. Usually my outfits include drawn on chest hair  and a complete inability to grab the bartender's attention which is obviously captivated by the sexy kittens. I pride myself on looking so ridiculous that even my friends get repelled. 

My archives are full of disguises that could potentially drive me to eternal spinsterhood, but since I have done well in finding a paramour that appreciates the ridiculousness that Halloween brings out of me (who am I kidding, lets just say call things what they are and admit it's any old Thursday), here are some of my all time favourite costumes. (Deddie Mercury, as witnessed above and below)

Glam rock Jesus

Super Mario's Ghost

Which proved to be very popular with the mummies

...I can('t) see why

I am trying to figure out if I was posing in a "sexy way" here *enter vomit noises*

Yeaaaahhh... I like my facial hair... and holiday appropriate cross dressing apparently!

For this look you will need: fake moustaches, to squash your vanity and probably some vodka brought from home because no one will notice you are waiting to be served.

To sum everything up, I will present you with a picture from my first ever Halloween, each of us was a different type of Halloweener. Can you spot which one's which? (DUH!)

Which type of Halloweener are YOU?!



(my ultimate Halloween costume,is to be able to grow a penis for one night only to go as THIS - nsfw-)


  1. Mario, Mario, Mario. Always witha the Mario. Whata abouta the Luigi? Nobodya care abouta Luigi (deada or a live)!

  2. Great blog. Love the Mexican style face paint & you found a reason to wear that wonderful headband (well worth the money haha).