DRESS TOP. Tee Em (trademarked, duh!!)

Chances are, if you live in the western world, you spent the last month getting involved in a plethora of food/alcohol debauchery situations. This, will most probably have lead to one or both of these scenarios. 1) The uneven calorie to exercise ratio has lead to a permanent food bump causing your body conscious dresses to resemble the glutenous material containing the pork meat and turning it into a sausage (ahhh now, that's not a nice image/description is it? I should, in the future, aim for something more pleasing on the brain eye - totally 'a thing'). Or 2) (yeah of course I can start a sentence with 'or', I am my own editor plus artistic license, don't be stuck up) you were exposed to a champagne caused uneven sensibility to lowered inhibitions scenario that has left you with an actual growing foetus baby bump (this requires more than uneven ratio situations, this also requires a complete lack of brain cells people, what about the diseases? huh? yeah I am a kill joy and I'll preach. Do you know that the percentages for HIV are increasing again, especially amongst us ladies? - of course this little rant is aimed at people who were being stupid, if you actually wanted a baby - congrats, woop woop etc...) Aaaaaaanyway. To the point, if your NY resolution was NOT to go t-total or live on spinach and you are therefore still sporting that extra half a stone (or, like, I don't know, pea sized baby) I have the perfect solution for you. One, that doesn't include lung activity eliminating spanx. Everyone do a victory dance!

Voila the dress top (totes coined that term, yeahhhhhh!! -I know it's crap, I can't be creative ALL the time, I got shit to do) 

Look how frillyyyyyyy. Perfecto, non?! The seam is high enough to hide your entire stomach and muffin top. 

plus, if you choose one that is made out of a heavy rubbery-like material, like the one I'm wearing, it won't stick on you as you walk down the street/become the victim of that obnoxious type of wind that turns your clothes against you and makes them cling onto your body (which usually gets in your way when you're wearing silk. Silk is, in fact, the least loyal of materials. If you appear floaty and flimsy stay that way, you two faced exposing whore of a fabric.) So, if you wear heavy, rubbery fabrics, it just won't be windy in some sort of Murphy's law kind of way. Are you following this logic? no? well done, you're normal. 

See, you can twirl in it. And it still doesn't stick on you. My only advice would be, because of the way it's cut, it would be wiser for you to pair it with slimming, elongating garments / shoe wear, or you might become the F word. Frumpy. So, opt for a pencil skirt, skinny jeans, cigarette trousers,  high heels, leather trousers, pointy shoes. You get the gist... 

Garments sold separately, pop up colours not included in the packet. (this is not particularly comprehensible or funny to you, I'm sure. I overdosed on American 80's toys adverts on youtube today and found their vocalising of the 'small print' hilarious.  Probably just me. ) My other stylistic advice would be don't be a moron like me, and wear it with a coat, it's friggin' January and yes I said friggin' that's how much I mean it!!!  example, below:

So, to sum up: Baby/Food Bump Coverage: Check! Angry American Sex Ed/Any Parent Unprotected Sex Rant: Check! Slimline Pairing To Avoid Contradicting The Purpose of The Top: Check! Don't Be A Moron And Wear A Coat Disclaimer: Check! Yeah.  All done. It's been educational. Right, now that we sorted all that out...

JUMP!!

OH! p.s before you send out babygrows and cribs my way (as if you would, you tight lot!) let me clarify that I am in no way pregnant and the only thing that is currently and will be for the foreseeable future (a few years,thank you very much) growing in my belly is an aversion towards Richard Gere. (get it? he makes me sick). 

top: h&m

trousers: topshop

shoes: river island

clutch: asos

sunglasses: zara