THE STYLISH GUIDE TO DATING

Dates. Not the shriveled up fruit kind... no, no! I'm talking about the awkward encounter with a possible future paramour during which you are basically grilling and getting grilled in an attempt to test and impress. They are a pain in the arse aren't they? I have, in the past, experienced the creme de la creme of bad ones. I've gone on a date with someone who cried because and I quote 'I am so happy you agreed to go on a date with me, be my girlfriend', also with someone who purred like a kitten, called himself a kitten and then told me he almost loved me after about 4.5 hours spent together. A different guy, didn't cancel a date despite the fact that he was ill with a really high temperature and therefore spent the majority of the date hallucinating (in fact, this hallucination business has semi happened more than once but I think that was more of a misunderstanding turned into a joke, illness was included in that one too). Whilst we're still on the illness category, I had one guy literally leave the table of a Starbucks every two minutes cos he desperately needed the loo whilst, of course, not sparing details on what he did there. (This specific one... I liked him, so I was actually more annoyed that he didn't pay for my coffee). In the toilet humour category, a certain long winded on and off fling with a foreign guy ended when, in a distraught state over various relationship matters, he lost control of both his tear ducts and bowel simultaneously. It was a beautiful moment...
Look, I'm not saying that all erratic behaviour is bad. At pretty much the same time, a few years ago, I dated two people. One gave me flowers and took me to an expensive restaurant where we proceeded to have a candle lit dinner and the other took me to a gig he was originally meant to be attending with his ex and then proceeded to pick my nose. The latter one has been my boyfriend ever since.
But anyway, what I am getting at is, whether a date is good or bad, the what am I supposed to wear is an ever present question. That's what I'm here for.

The guide to stylish first date attire

by

Bay Leaf Economou

Firstly, when asked out on a date (or when you have initiated the date yourself, I'm all for feminism! well the theoretical, wax allowing, bra wearing, being asked out kind of feminism anyway) remember! Not everything that glitters is gold. The kitten had a beard and a bike and looked extremely bad ass when I first met him and the one that cried of happiness was the lead singer of a band and he wore a hat and he had a bum chin. So, yeah. On a first date, you should keep that in mind and therefore put on something that you can hide under. Ladies and Gents, I hereby introduce you to ..... The Poncho! 

It's not only stylish in a Florence and the Machine (as dubbed by my gay friend, Darren) meets Mexican man (as dubbed by my straight friends) meets Pocahontas (as dubbed by my boyfriend who, as you can see, is still making up for our first date nose picking!) kind of way, it is also an excellent hiding space if said date turns out to be terrible (or even just bad, this poncho will not disappoint). Imagine this, after half an hour of small talk about the latest sports car he likes, accompanied with picture showing from the sports car magazine that he brought with him to the date (another real story), he will eventually have to go to the loo. Now, as you can never tell how long it'll take (well, unless he tells you! which as I mentioned, happens) running out might not work out for you. Hiding in your garment is a far better option and this poncho is very roomy.

Tassels are good in general, on first dates. They are conversation simulators, they can be used to distract your date from imperfections on your face (you know, just move your hands a lot when you talk, in front of your face) and, if the date goes well, you can pretend to be a lazy jellyfish about to fall in love a la Ella Fitzerald (click on it to get the whole picture, duh!). Honestly, no other garment will do for this impression which is crucial to take place at the end of a successful date. Trust me, the man won't freak out and leave. Well ok, he might! Fine, he probably will. But if he does, you didn't really want to be with him in the first place! And, since you're probably still listening to the song (oh, you're not? That's ok, I'll wait till you do.) pause ... elongated pause. (ready? cool, we can continue now) This whole tassel situation is also pretty good for any 1920's shenanigans. By which I mean... you can, like, dance the Charleston and stuff. Another must for first dates. I mean, what would you guys do without me!! 

And whilst we're still on a time machine. Stop that song. Now, click on this ! Yeah, ok? we're on board? Right, lets move onto the 70s. Yes, my flower children. If your object of carnal attraction and potential intellectual interest is a laid back, floaty, beardy kind of a dude, then you've done it again! Poncho, tassels, the necessary ethnic jewellery and you're done! Have a happy, trippy life and don't forget to name your firstborn Bay Leaf! (it's not much to ask, you are hippies after all).

Now, when it comes to accessories. Yes, ethnic jewellery is your second skin by now, in a more stylish wolverine (the Xmen kind) sort of way. But what about a bag? clutch? satchel. ALL IN ONE? What? YES! ta-daaaaaa! Take your brother's/father's/ex-boyfriend's/current-boyfriend's-you're-about-to-cheat-on satchel, get rid of the straps and... hold it! Like an oversized, oversized clutch (I mean an oversized clutch that is oversized, do you get it? it's not just bad grammar, I promise!). Now, this clutch has a lot of benefits. It's spacious enough for you to carry magazines, ipads, a book, some crayons, your littlest friend with you to the date. It might get boring and those things might entertain you. It's also good for hiding leftovers, bread rolls, nice cutlery (no, wait, that's stealing. I don't condone stealing but if you do do it, in which case it's not my fault and I don't want to know about it, but you can store the stolen goods in this satchel turned clutch). And finaly, if the date is particularly bad, you can put it over your head and pretend you've disappeared. This might sound crazy but if you think about it, it only half is. If the date buys it, well then he'll leave you alone, as, you know, he'll think you're not there anymore. If the date doesn't buy it (which is, I won't lie, the likelihood) then he'll think you're absolutely nuts and will most likely leave you alone. It's a win- win situation! 

Victory dance Ladies and Gents (copy the movement above, go on, do it)! Finally, the solution to what to wear on a first date has been found!!!

*insert applause*

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oh no, really I don't deserve your applause, thank you, thank you!

*more applause*

haha, omg, wow! 

oh, oh! I almost forgot, there is one thing you need to do regardless of how the date progresses. Of course, the poncho is great for this little activity too! Come on, listen to this to get in the mood! 

(I could enter the words on him after this picture but because it depends on the degree of feminism and/ or your date, I'll just keep these brackets.) 

poncho: zara / shoes: gap / jewellery: vintage