Stylised Monologue

Friday, 14 June 2013

The Stylized Guide to Breaking Up.

I don't mean to be a cynic but I have little faith in relationships. Basically, they always seems to go a bit like this.

Breaking up sucks. Simply and to the point, here's a list of things I'd rather be subjected to:

- Eating my body weight in apples (I'm allergic to apples)
- Have a Richard Gere film Marathon (I hate Richard Gere) 
- Ouzo induced hangovers (The absolute worst)
- The full body itchiness you get after pulling all-nighters
- Being stark naked in public (but maybe not on fat days)
- Sinusitis 
- Maths... (I took it too far, give me a break up over maths any time!)

Now, I think that all break ups fall under the rather large umbrella of 'awkward, unpleasant, painful social situation'. I have personally experienced two spectrums of the above collection of undesired feelings. In the few break ups I have experienced in my life, I have been either awkward, unpleasant and painful but in a way, a relief

(what a visual representation of emotional relief looks like in my head)

or awkwardly, unpleasantly, painfully devastated. 

I'm going to come out and say it, I got dumped A LOT when I was in school. I'm not entirely sure what the reason was but I have a hunch it had something to do with the fact that I would get intimidated by beautiful boys and therefore not really talk to them for the entire duration of our 1-3 month long relationships. This kind of happened twice, one was a summer fling that commenced in the summer of 2003 during the ever so promising night of the August full moon (stuff right out of a shit chick flick can take a toll on the unprotected teenage heart), once the summer was over and before our tans had even had the chance to fade, the guy just stopped talking to me altogether (the lack of proper ending, I'm pretty sure, TECHNICALLY, still makes us a couple, so this is an apology to all of my boyfriends of the past 10 years for unknowingly two timing you, sorry guys!).

The next guy to dump me, genuinely had every right to. He intimidated me to the extent of muteness like no other. We used to go out and just sit opposite each other. He would sip on his abundant in milk coffee while I would order...nothing! He'd ask me to list my hobbies to which I'd just...giggle! But the absolute worst was our phone conversation. He'd ring me every night because that's what boyfriends did and we'd listen to each others silence for a cold sweat inducing 15 minutes before exchanging awkward I love you's and hanging up. Said relationship lasted a record breaking three months which at the time saw me ecstatically happy and blindly oblivious to the disaster to come. 'We have nothing in common' he said on the phone and even though I was pretty sure we both loved the Doors and Rolling Stones, in retrospect I think he meant the ability to use the power of speech to form a conversation. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. I went cliche extreme, singing 'love of my life' more times than Freddie Mercury ever did, crying myself to sleep and rebounding with someone I did not care for one bit. Ahhh to be a teenager.

Last time I got dumped I had left my teens behind for a good two and a half years. A short lived relationship ended with an inbox facebook message that amongst other gems, included the phrase "I need to focus on my dissertation". In retrospect it's hilarious. At the time, I MAY have said that I was going to go to his house with placards listing the reasons our connection was not to be lost. My friends supportively took the piss out of me and all I did to keep us together was tell my friends that I would. Instead, I  ate a few too many soft king biscuits whilst replying to his message like I did not care one bit that he no longer saw a future together. (It was a hard task but one I feel I carried through with success).

How to cope with devastating break ups:

1) Find friends who have also been recently dumped.

At the time that this picture was taken, high on heartbreak delirium, my friend Natasha would greet everyone with the phrase 'Hello, we've just broken up....not with each other). And by everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

2) Don't eat your feelings.

Meeting your ex whilst being twice the size you were throughout your relationship is definitely more traumatic than the meeting itself.

3) DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT send a million and three texts with varying emotions. 

- Daphne Economou  10:30 

Hey! I hope you're well, I've missed talking to you :( xx

- Daphne Economou 11:01

WHY ARE YOU NOT REPLYING? This is so fucking typical of you, I'm so much better of without you. TWAT!

- Daphne Economou 11:30

I need my stuff back. I am moving on and I don't want to still have stuff lingering in your flat.

- Daphne Economou 12:00

Why is this happening to us? :(

- Daphne Economou 13:00

OMG remember our first date? how hilarious was that thing that you did? hahahahah xx

- Daphne Economou 14:00


4) Don't listen to 'your' song on repeat, don't watch rom coms, don't reminisce whilst looking at pictures and more importantly, don't go wearing their old boxers shorts that have been left in your flat. (I may have been there, I am not proud)

5) DO get drunk. NOT responsibly. BUT maybe hand your phone to your friends so that you dont drunk dial too much.

6) DO rebound. AND then show your rebound this blog post so that they know how to handle the fact that they meant nada to you! SORRY rebound.


Then, there are the 'better' break ups. You've loved each other but you've had one too many arguments and you've had enough.

When you've shared your life with someone you sort of mesh into one person, letting go of that unity is hard. But worry not, here's a few things you can do to make things better.

1) Spend time with friends that are hilarious.

2. Eat (more than) your feelings

3) Cherish the good memories.

4) And finally, forget the bad ones. (Like the time you dressed up as a cow on a bus and it was NOT appreciated.)


To end this post here's a list of cliche phrases you might hear a lot during this time. (possibly the worst aspect of the break up) 

- You're better off
- Keep your chin up
- She/he didn't deserve you
- It's going to get better
- This too, shall pass.
- Keep calm and carry on (punch the person who tells you this, you've got my permission)
- The best is yet to come....!