STYLISED DIALOGUE: THE GUIDE TO STYLISH CAMPING

I went camping yesterday (for one whole day). This is what I wore:

See, I'm one of those dedicated bloggers... Ok, so maybe that's a lie, maybe what I really wore was old jeans and three different tops (I'm all for layering you see, all the trendiest of us are) one leather sleeveless one under a long sleeved stripy one under a massive pink jumper under an even bigger utility coat courtesy of my boyfriend topped by a pair of white plastic sunglasses and a red leopard scarf. Oh yeah, and my worn out converse shoes. Stylish right? No. So lets pretend I wore the above aqua dress. And lets pretend this is a guide to glamorous camping.

THE GUIDE TO STYLISH CAMPING

by Daphne Economou

Ladies, Gentlemen and all you inbetweeners (brilliant film btw, WATCH IT),

Why sacrifice your style when out in the wilderness, I ask. Now before you come up with a million and two sensible reasons to throw back at me, let me stop you and give you the answer myself.

(The Answer ->) There is NO reason. In fact, the IDEAL outfit for a night out on the field is a backless, shorter at the front, longer at the back dress with baubles and high heels, preferably strappy.

Here's why:

Said perfect outfit does not only look good, but it's also great for manual labour such as putting up a tent, pumping air into matresses and pushing water tanks away from the campsite to save fellow campers.

Of course, that will instantly turn you into a superhero, but fear not, this dress won't let you down because (ta-daaaa) it has a cape-like back

But lets go back to camping...

Portaloos, what a pain in the arse right? They are always too small, too dirty, too awful. You have to walk miles in the mud to get to this little cabin and despite your super powers you just don't manage to get there before the fat tattoo'ed guy with the shaved head who, in your sight, flashes his empty smile and announces that 'this'll take a while love'. Yes there ARE more portaloos but they're all taken by people for whom 'hygine' is a country far far away, probably in a different continent, they're not quite sure, but 'wasn't there a civil war there in the 90s?!' 'no, no, that's Yemen' 'Oh right, what happened in hygiene then?'. How to avoid all this? Well this get up comes with a curtain of its own, almost like a private little bathroom ;)

(However, I'll be honest with you, people would still know so please, for the love of God, don't listen to my advice and use the portaloos, that's what hand gel is for!)

Another problem you often need to tackle when it comes to camping, in Britain especially, is the mud. Lovely earth mixed with lovely water equals not so lovely dirty, sticky, mud. Now, there is a common misconception about an item of clothing that often comes in as the finishing touch to the perfect festival and/or farmer look, the trusty wellington boot! The misconception is, that they are the shoe to wear in the mud. It's a misconception because IT'S WRONG! Come on people, where's your logic? I mean, I know Kate Moss looks hot when she pairs them with shorts too small for the eye to see but where is the practicality in a welly? nowhere that's where! The STRAPPY HIGH HEEL on the other hand? Now that's what I'm talking about. Perfect. Practical.

Wipe that confusion off of your face and think! What does the high heel do? the answer is in the bolding. it's high and what does height do? It lifts you from the ground. So there you go aspiring camper, there's your answer. With the high heel, you no longer have your feet on the muddy ground, thanks to the little spikey bit at the end of your shoe you are now a few inches away from the icky mud. Parfait, non?

Food is usually not a problem when camping. Thanks to disposable bbq's we all get our crispy bacon butties and eat them too. What happens, however, when your tent is just too close to all the smoke and you're a) freaked out by the idea of dirty bacon smoke making sweet sweet love to your designer clothes that you have very sensibly packed with you or b) have heard one too many stories about people getting carbon monoxide poisoning in their sleep, a result to what they had assumed was just a happy bbq? Well, this dress will not protect you from dying, I'll be honest. It will, however, grab the attention of weirded out passerbys who stare at you for climbing on a tree (water tank) (you're climbing on a tree to avoid the smoke in case you didn't get it. This applies to both a and b cases) So instead of comments such as: 'What the hell's that crazy woman doing in a tree' you'll get comments like: 'what a gorgeous dress, oh! and just look at those shoes!'. Dignity saved, ka-tching!

Last but not least, fellow british campers (meaning fellow people who camp in Britain, I'm not British myself) what you do know quite well is that the rain sometimes parties on the ground. No I'm not talking about mud again, I'm talking about the snooty side of rain, the one that doesn't mix with soil, the puddle!. Again, in what would be conventional 'camping clothing' you'd jump in a puddle, what a stupid idea! With my stylish outfit,on the other hand, you'd sensibly jump over it!!