The Stylish Guide To The Queen's Diamond Jubilee

So in case you guys haven't heard, yesterday marked the Queen of England's Diamond Jubilee. If you're wondering what that actually means, it means that one's kept her job for 60 years. Granted, it's not like she can fuck up and like the rest of us get fired or even become redundant. But listen, before you dismiss it, she's so far escaped death. That's pretty special. Where does fashion come in to all this, you ask. Well, keep reading and one will see. As I am too busy trying to spot the flotilla (possibly my new favourite word btw) through the patriotic crowds and drinking healthy amounts of pimms, I will pass this blog onto some very special guests to elaborate on the subject that is... drumroll...

THE STYLISH GUIDE TO THE QUEEN'S DIAMOND JUBILEE.

Right, so, ta ta from me. First up... Elisabeth Windsor, The Queen.

Greetings and welcome. One is very flattered to be cordially invited to participate in such a conservative blog. One was appointed to talk about garmnets and fashion and one is never to disobey one's rules. One's corgi's would be terribly dissapointed in one if one went on to do so.

ahhh one does crack one self up. What the fuck do my corgi's have to do with all this. Anyway, despite the ghastly weather, one only celebrates a Diamond Jubilee once in a lifetime and let us all be honest, my royal highness is a big YOLO-er. So out comes the mini white dress, eat your heart out Katy, your legs aren't full of royal blood, the cancles will soon appear and I WANT that comparisson in my resume. Now, don't you stutter in shock, like my dear old father, there are only so many oscars that can be given to royal speech impetiments, go away and produce a couple of heirs, even she that shall not be named did so. Ahhh speaking of heirs, one had the opportunity to push a couple of couples of children out of her royal vagina. Unfortunately the effect those births had on ones figure are almost as unsightly as the children themselves. A looser skirt is advisable. Crown and jewels are mandatory, of course. One is the fucking Queen, I'm not going to go for a simplistic look. As for the weather, yes , it fucked up, ROYALLY. pun intended, of course. Thankfully, Suzy, my darling Corgi, gifted to me on my 18th birthday and long dead, is going to keep me both warm and stylish, wrapped around my shoulder. Good doggy. Suzy will be with me throughout the whole thing, but alas my hot chuck of a hairy Greek lover,  Phil had to be hospitalised again. As a stylish hint to my sadness, I shall replace my usual white gloves with black ones. Get well soon boo, cannot wait to go back to our dirty Greek tourist bangs incognito Royal on the beach roleplay. Footwear is casual, one is 86 fucking years old.
That's all for now, civilians, one's got a very busy scedule. XO XO, your Queen.

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Next up... Liz Winds, Drag Queen.

Hiya Dolls,
If you're less Diamond and more Diamante, then listen up.

Shave your beard as closely as you can, push them boobs your mama (Mr. Andrew M Allan, plastic surgeon) gave you and slather on the make up. Us Queens are being honoured this bank holliday and no amount of stubble will stop that from happening.

Being a Drag Queen this Jubilee is where it's at. You don't have to socialise with the royal pain in the arses and you don't have to cover up. Wear your most revealing top and party like its... 60 years since the Queen sat on the loo. See what I did there? Right, got a penis to tuck in. See ya later loves. Liz.

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Last but most certainly not least, Freddie Mercury, Queen's lead singer and legend!

Darlings!

It's so nice to see you all down there having fun. I'm extremelly jealous but who wants to live forever and all that shit, you know. Who would have thought that the Queen would outlive Queen? She's not in any way killer, though. Have you seen the the shoes she wears? oh, honey, no. You can see them poor feet trying to break free. And lets be honest, that outfit she wore at her grandson's wedding?

even "Scaramoush, scaramoush will you do the fandago" makes more sense that. Darling Elisabeth may not be much when it comes to fashion  but we should all celebrate this Jubilee like champions.
My advice is, wear whatever you're comfortabe in. Jumpsuits, skirts, jeans and t-shirts, trainers and yellow waistcoats. I've done it all, and I have rocked you no matter what.
Just wear what you like, and a condom.

Ciao Darlings, Farouk  Freddie.

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The End

I DO.

I GOT MARRIED!!!!

Joke.. calm down Dad, I didn't.

So, last week, I went to a wedding. Here's an interesting fact for you: This whole 'I do' thing is a MYTH. They don't say it. THEY DON'T. They say 'I will' which is far less dramatic and committed. But other than that, weddings are fun even if you are the awkward plus one who has never met the bride before (thankfully she is easily spotted in the crowd).

This particular wedding, was very traditionally English. It involved church singing, castles, lemon curd, top hats, nibbles, a one shouldered wedding dress with a long train...

I have to admit, despite having been married before myself (to Enrique Iglesias, in my head), I don't find weddings aesthetically pleasing most of the time. The flower arrangements, dress materials, tiaras, chair ribbons, venues... but most importantly I never really know what to wear! This is an important issue. I don't want to wear black, I can't wear white, I can't wear anything 'too much' (especially when I'm a plus one), I can't be too casual and I often feel like I need to wear control pants even though I ALWAYS end up taking them off mid-reception because I can't breath.

But last Saturday all this was about to change ( minus the control pants. I did wear them and as expected took them off somewhere between the amuse bush and main course), I had one cute, blue, understated dress that I was quite happy with. Realistically, I should have known it never stood a chance. For as Saturday morning saw the excited bride drinking champagne with her bridesmaids and the jittery groom looking for the church's emergency exits (I'm sure he didn't, I just thought I'd be stereotypical/sexist for entertainment purposes. Did it entertain you?), I was experiencing the aggressive warmth of freshly boiled water on my bare skin and the deep sepia colour of brewed coffee on my newly bought dress. In telegraphic detail: 6.45 am the alarm clock goes off. I get up. Get in the shower. Get out of the shower. Take ten minutes to squeeze into them Bridget Jones pants. Dress on, make up on, kettle on. Kettle off, mug out, coffee in, boiling coffee all over me. dress off. skin off. massive coffee stain on. DISASTER. But this is a story with a happy ending. The dress got salvaged thanks to the loyal boyfriend who washed it and blow dried it while I was applying toothpaste all over my burnt arms and chest (on the plus side, I smelt extra minty that day!). My skin remained bright red for the entire weekend, I didn't mind too much except that I had painted my nails red and I'm not a fan of the matchy matchy look.

Of course, don't expect any actual photos of it because the only thing I happily posed for were pictures in which I played croquet... a sport that other than a small Alice in Wonderland reference, I don't know much about. You have a ball and a stick that is not a flamingo (massive let down) and a little square on the ground that the ball has to go through.

My dress had three little bows at the back and some sort of a peplum effect. Clutch, jewellery and the whole shebang were also part of the outfit but I opted for comfort over fashion on the pitch. It was an important game. 

Fur, heels and the occasional top hat are actually the required attire for this sport. 

Needless to say, I sucked at it.

 (no actual flamingos were harmed during this badly photoshopped athletic correction.) 

The stylish guide to infected sinuses

Hello, my name is Daphne and I am a negligent blogger.

everyone: Hiiii Daphne. 


Right, so now that the whole guilt over never blogging is out of the way, lets move on to an important subject I feel people don't talk about much. Illness in fashion. So, say you have a cold that seemed like it would only annoy you for a couple of days but has ended up tormenting you for about a week, slowly turning from a slight cough into voice elimination and finally (i hope) into a full on sinus infection. This shiz is no joke, it hurts. I know, the first time I blog properly since pretty much Valentine's day, and I do it while I'm ill. Maybe it's the fever typing, but I have decided to lay down the facts of how to look good (term used extremely loosely) when ill. Ultimately, fashion is about making yourself feel better, more attractive, more confident and no amount of face puffiness or Rudolf the red nose reindeer resemblance can beat a damn good kimono.

THE STYLISH GUIDE TO INFECTED SINUSES/PNEUMONIA HYBRID

• First and foremost, you have to be good to your body. Dr Google strongly advocates that vitamin C is the way to go. I personally am very fond of this specific vitamin. It hides in a variety of yummy stuff including oranges. So, the moment the area around your eyebrows starts feeling like a little wind up monkey is playing the cymbals on your eyeballs, send your personal slave (boyfriend, parent, sibling, housemate or real slave in which case I probably don't like you very much) to get squeezing them vitamin c filled balls. Once that's done, pour them in a wine glass, this is all about styyyyle darling. Champagne or martini glass is also acceptable. 

(OK so there's not much you can do about your actual face unless your skin can deal with make-up, if it's sore/puffy like mine, it will very possibly be 100% make up intolerant) 

• Now, just because your body is rebelling against you, it doesn't mean that you have to drown it in unfashionable clothing. Feel good from the outside inwards. Of course I am not completely delusional (although slightly feverish), I know that you have to be comfortable and simultaneously warm enough but in breathable material. Kimono - Illness 1-0!

• Obviously, since we're talking about fashion, heels are mandatory but I would pick the comfiest you own. 

And there you have it, infected sinuses/pneumonia chic nailed. 

Alternatively,  you can just ignore all the above and recover slowly spending day after day in bed with Don Draper, sudafed and vitamin c whilst clad in old hole adorned tracksuit bottoms and looking like yourself. If I'm honest, I've long chosen this route. 

(p.s these photos are all taken while I'm actually ill. Never ever say I'm vain hahaha) 

MARNI x H&M IN DA HOUSE. *

Hiya patent leather MARNI x H&M jumper. You are my new sartorial BFF.
I will even forgive the 'fashionable robot' look your boxy cut gives me.
It's not your fault I got you one size too big. I love you.

jumper: marni x h&m (duh!)

* my house, I know it's been in other people's houses for days now, shut up!whatever!

rings: margiela  asos