Stylised Monologue

Monday, 4 November 2013

From Blogger To... Porn Star?!

I am not a conservative person by any stretch of the imagination. I have no shame when it comes to talking about sex or body parts. My humour rivals that of a 15 year old boy unable to say the word ‘come’ without laughing. Once, AT A JOB INTERVIEW that took place on a rainy London day, upon being asked what my day had been like I responded ‘wet’ and then promptly added 'not in a dodgy way'. I laughed and they didn’t, as they crossed my name off the list of people they were willing to employ.

I would like to blame that incident on a case of acute tourretes  but, alas it’s merely my factory settings. At a very young age, I realised that the moment a sound wave carrying my 5year old voice uttering the word ‘sex’, would reach an adult's ears, they would burst into uncontrollable laughter. Who doesn’t want to make people laugh? As you would imagine, the times I got in trouble for this were numerous.  At 7 years old, I very publicly (on a school bus), asked our fat, geriatric music teacher how many people she’d slept with other than her husband (let me digress here and ask myself, why did I presume she had a husband? What stupid stereotypes). Did I mention I did this IN a MICROPHONE?! The school involved my mum who then had to read me one of those sex books for kids (weirdest consecutive 4 words I’ve ever typed) but, as should be predicted, all that did was enhance my vocabulary and officially store the word ‘erect’ into my mental archives.
When, at 7 again (by far my most promiscuous year to date), I fell deeply in love with a boy, I logically thought that the way to attract his attention (which at the time I thought was synonymous to his feelings… oh little Daphne, you have so much to learn in the decades to come), I showed him my vagina… on a daily basis. ( I feel weird referring to that body part as "vagina" when we’re talking about someone who probably still has a faint memory of living in the womb (OK I don’t think this is accurate but it works for emphasis… writer’s trick, think of this as a workshop… if you want to learn NOTHING)). I have since stopped flashing for attention (promise, dad) although I’ve yet to decide if that’s a step forward or backwards.

To prove a further point regarding my lack of conservatism (/tourrettes), when I worked at the London Olympics, my boss at the time asked me what I had studied. The answer “scriptwriting” triggered a ridiculous discussion about whether I write porn scripts (OK clearly he was also not conservative/a freak) and I ended up challenging his YouPorn habits. MY BOSS’ YouPorn habits! I was certain I’d get fired but instead, my answers somehow charmed the shit out of him and thus one year, one Italian, two friendships, two breakups, countless of alcohol units and sexual innuendos later he became my boyfriend.
Is this post going to make me permanently unemployed?

Where am I going with all this, you ask, wondering if this is just a bid to extend my embarrassment to people that haven't had the time to experience it first hand? Well maybe. I borderline pride myself on causing awkwardness (work with what you've got!). However, a few days ago, as I was lazily typing up a post about being unable to sleep, I decided to click on the stats of my blog. My usual traffic since I stopped regularly writing on here tends to follow the pattern : fairly busy on days that I post and the odd view through a google search that reads "constipated turtle" (true story) the rest of the time. So, you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon an unusually high number of views given that I hadn't written anything for months. I proceeded to click on the traffic sources link, full of hopes that someone had read my blog, realised I was the female answer to David Sedaris and passed my nonsense on to esteemed literally people who would all now give me hefty commissions. (OK to be completely honest, I assumed my dad had shared something I'd written on his facebook page, but I feel that exuding confidence is a better look so on record I'll go with the 'me as the new David Sedaris' storyline). ALAS, the link I stumbled across did not belong to the literary elite but to a PORN site. Yep you heard/read me. Apparently I had somehow been linked to a site dedicated to weird photos of naked women the majority of which appear to be impregnated. Rude! As far as I am concerned, I am neither carrying extra holiday weight (yet) nor do I appear to be in the nude on any of my photos.

Despite my previously mentioned lack of conservatism, my instant reaction upon landing on a site full of pregnant bellies and the foetus's escape route from them, was to click off. I think it is mainly due to the electronic virus phobia my Windows years cultivated in my brain. So... what do you do when you find yourself linked to a website as such? Laugh hysterically. That's what I did. And then ring your friends so that you can all laugh hysterically about it. Unfortunately there is always the one killjoy sensible boyfriend that will tell you to investigate further. So investigate I did. Thankfully, just before I tucked into my boring salad, I found out that pregnancy was not what the site was about, so I swapped the leaves for some cheese and continued to browse. After many boob photos and online history links to be deleted, I realised that this cyber space was just a playground for some good ol' fashioned expositionists and the perverts that feed their vice.

Although comforting(?), the realisation of the websites' true nature did not curb my curiosity regarding how it had been linked to myself. As previously mentioned, my expositionist ways peaked too soon and as a result, have long seized. Then, like a perverted Deus Ex Machina, someone with a screen name that is, for the sake of any woman crossing his path, hopefully counting stars rather than inches popped on the side of my screen.

There is a Sex and the City episode in which Carrie Bradshaw ducks frantically under her desk when her infamous laptop makes a bleeping sound that indicates Aidan signing onto some sort of 90's messenger, during which she cries into the phone to a tech-savvy Miranda "can he see me?" well... that's how I felt (talk about turning a short story into a long one // what's the opposite of cutting? gluing a short story long?). Was he talking to me?! Then I noticed more people appearing on the same chat box. This website had a whole part dedicated to people for whom masturbating while staring at naked women is not enough. We're talking intellectual wankers (in the literal sense, no judgement passed) here. They want to write about their experience, share it, give out tips. This website had users considerate of their fellow humans self pleasuring ways. They were the Wanker Teresas of the online world. Scrolling upwards, (you know, I need to feed my unrecognised to date DS brain -I feel like David Sedaris has been mentioned enough times to get granted his own abbreviation- with interesting characters) in between M.I.L.F lustings and some prostate instruction 'manuals' , some guy (the most perverted of them all) had said "check this link out" a statement that accompanied the very familiar styliseddialogue.blogpost.co.uk link.... As everything clicked into place, half flattered and half showered in dread I searched for a response... The guy had OBVIOUSLY been loudly ignored. And that was it, the rise and fall of my porn star career received less light in the day than the premature ejaculations of the people that may have stumbled upon it.

To end this , potentially most bizarre blogpost I have ever created, I will admit that I am glad to have my dignity intact and my ego only slightly bruised, but most of all I am being insanely entertained by the thought of a slimy man, engorged penis in one hand, crusty mouse on the other, clicking on a link, breathing heavily, anticipating an erotic, nude photograph that will set his loins on fire ... ONLY TO GET THIS:


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